Only Child Feelings

Wanting a sibling
I use to talk to my toys…
It was The Lady and the Tramp at that time
I had the Lady dog as a big soft toy
I use to take her to bed and everywhere with me …
I remember laying there having conservations with her
I can actually remember laying there saying
I wish I had a brother or a sister Lady dog!
Why couldn’t I have one?
I definitely did have a sort of fantasy world of what it would be like

Over-sensitivity
If somebody’s difficult to communicate with I don’t immediately think: Oh they’re difficult to communicate with. I think: Oh they’re not interested in me
they don’t like me. I know that’s the sensitivity that I bring from being an only child. I think the sense of ‘going on being’ with a group of siblings, when they don’t give you attention all the time, you are just all there together. You’ve got a connection I never had.

Learning disappointment
May be as an only child, we haven’t learnt to be disappointed by our siblings.
So we get a shock when we automatically expect that people will be honest and moral. We get a shock if they aren’t.

Resentful and rebellious
I partly became very rebellious, did opposite things ,sort of like I’d leave my jobs without any other jobs to go to. I remember going on the dole. I think I angrily wanted to deprive my parents of the joy of feeling proud of me -because I was theirs so to feel more autonomous I rebelled.

Hostility and envy
I suppose envy comes up. I guess in that original triangle, I think one of the things I felt was being daddy’s special daughter. My mother’s envious attacks were unbearable, so I’ve always anticipated envy, attack and hostility. Not having the capacity to take in anything from what other people might be giving me – that felt too frightening. The only power I’ve had is in the sense of trying to give to others

Parents/value
I never felt that either of them recognised me for who I was, so it’s not surprising in a way, that I have chosen a lot of the time, people who are unequal, who clearly aren’t going to value me for who I am.