It feels like:
I was my parent’s creation
and they owned me
And in detaching myself from that
they can no longer exist. suppose when I was quite small really
certainly before I was at school…
I was suddenly aware
because there was a family next door where there were four children…
people playing together in the garden
I’d be in our garden and think -
‘Well there wasn’t anybody playing with me!’
I was kind of on my own
I use to sort of resent that
I didn’t have anybody and I use to think…
when they go to bed at night –
they’ll have other people there
When I go to bed at night there’s just sort of me -
I haven’t got any one to talk to.
She desperately wanted
to be with me
all the time
She’d really wanted a baby
I meant so much
but it was claustrophobic
I couldn’t just do things
I wanted to do
even as a young child
When I stood up to my mother
a year ago by saying
I can’t look after you any more!
Well I remember her first reaction
was to beat her fists on the bed and say –
You’ve won! You’ve won! You’ve won!
And it felt terrifying
really terrifying
I had to separate myself from her
because in many ways
she was too much
she was too close…
it felt like she wanted to run my life for me
I’m actually very frightened
of doing what I actually want to do
always choosing to do the sensible thing
not make too many waves
I am independent
I’m very independent
I’m prepared to do
everything on my own
its only recently
I’ve realized
that’s what I’m doing
and I don’t want to do it
all on my own
I think you take on this responsibility
for everyone else’s emotions
if somebody is angry
you’ve done something wrong
to make them angry
it’s your responsibility
to make them feel better