The two do go together in a way.
I had huge responsibility, there were my parents my grandparents, I was the only grandchild, and the only child. There was a feeling I think of being special, which was so important, and with that went responsibility
I lost my specialness at about eleven or twelve. I felt I lost my specialness -I rebelled I went completely off the rails for a while
But what’s happened in my adult years to create that specialness? - I’ve again made myself responsible for being a certain way in a relationship. I don’t think I’ve ever really come to grips with that, and a friend of mine says - It always feels that you’re trying to sort of make things right for everybody, give so much otherwise you feel you’ll be rejected
I mean that’s something he said to me, may be that is the whole thing. I am responsible; otherwise, I’ll never be special. There is a part of me that wants to be very special, has a right to be very special, but the other part of me, the shadow part of me is saying no. The other part of me is saying; you’re just a member of this world, you don’t have a right to be anything, you’re just on your own mate, you’re just you. The bad bits out weigh the good bits, you don’t have a right to have a special place in anybody’s heart, that’s what it feels like.
I’m not saying I have that with me all the time. That’s my conflict isn’t it?
I want to be special to somebody or I don’t feel that I’m special. It’s not with everybody that I want to be special. Part of me feels that I want to be special to one person or to certain people, a few people, but the other part of me thinks why should I? I don’t have that right, so there is the conflict.
I swing backwards and forwards from this person who wants to have all this validation, wants to have the relationship. Yet the other part of me thinks: I’m being selfish, I’m being like a typical only child who is selfish indulged in a way
It feels like the child in me, the little me is saying, I want to be special, the adult part is saying: but actually that’s really selfish you’re being really indulgent. So there’s again this sort of conflict, that’s what comes out again. I’m always trying to recreate that specialness aren’t I?